My sweet Soren… I was warned countless times that it goes fast and to cherish every moment, but words do it no justice. You go from sleepless nights, frantically learning how to nurse, getting entangled in pump parts, changing diapers in the dark, pacing in circles swaddling, shushing, swaying, until your eyes flutter shut, ever so gently laying you beside our bed in hopes you don’t stir back awake so mommy can get another 2 hours of sleep before we do it all over again.
And then, we’re here. Walking you down hallways with your little hand wrapped around my finger as you balance your way one wobbly step after another. Closely listening to each murmur you make wondering if you’re saying bottle, baa baa, bye bye, boo, or if it’s just another silly noise as you fumble your way through learning to express yourself. I’m bracing myself for the years to come as I imagine these moments move even faster.
I’ve thought a lot about what it means to be your mommy. To me, it means living each day in a balance of extremes. Feeling completely overcome with love and delight with everything you do. Obsessing over how much I love your voice, your giggles, your expressions, your kisses, your songs, the way you connect with other’s sadness, the way you stick your tongue out as you focus, how you use two fingers to pick up every last morsel of food, the way you voraciously drink your milk without stopping and then pant until you catch your breath, your pterodactyl noises, your determination, your inchworm crawl.
And then, feeling overwhelmed with a perpetual fear that at times brings me to tears as I think I don’t deserve this much happiness. After seeing and experiencing pain and sorrow… it’s coming… right? What if this happened, or this? Would I recover? But then, I wipe my eyes, push back the fear, and remind myself that just as I love you, I am loved. And everything will be ok. No matter what, everything will be ok.
Being your mother is the greatest joy of my life, a privilege I cherish each day. And even when the day is long, and it doesn’t seem I can do much else, you compel me to do more. I will always do more for you, my sweet boy.
Happy 1st birthday my beloved son. Mommy and daddy love you so.
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