Mikael's Baek Il

My dearest Mikael… As we recently celebrated your Baek Il, your 100th day, I couldn’t help but think of all the days I wanted to sit down and write you a letter. There were so many fleeting moments that I didn’t want to forget. Precious moments I wanted to capture so that one day, I could reflect back on these letters and relive the moments all over again.

Being the second child has its concessions. You rarely get mom’s undivided attention. You spend more time entertaining yourself. You don’t get as many accolades for doing the simplest of things. And in the end, you don’t get to claim many “firsts”. It’s true that this is the second time we are experiencing many of these little moments. But Mikael, my sweet boy, you should know that your gentle and kind smile was the first, the one and only, that has ever brought tears to your mama’s eyes.

The first few weeks were tough seeing you in so much pain and both of us so sleep deprived. I came to face many of my own weaknesses. One can never quite know what it is to feel so helpless until not being able to make their child well. But as each sleepless night passed, the morning brought new hope. The sun would wash over your precious face, your steel blue eyes catching the first morning light, and I’d search your face waiting for some sign that everything was ok.

And then one morning, it came… You sat across from me, we locked eyes as usual, except this time you flashed your first toothless, dimpled, and completely unreserved smile. Instantly my eyes welled with tears as I smiled back at you with the biggest toothiest grin I could muster. I whisked you into my arms holding you close as the tears continued to fall. And that same smile, the one that brightens each morning as we greet each other, is one of the most delightful ways I start each day. It awakens everything inside of me, even after the most restless of nights.

I love you so much my precious boy. And even in the craze of juggling a larger family, your sweet and gentle spirit ease the most chaotic of days. I am infatuated with your little coos and mumbles, your groans and grumbles. The way you rest your hand on my cheek. I love nestling my face against your down-like hair. I love the rich, caramel color of your skin and your rosy cheeks. The admiring gazes towards your brother with your beautiful blue eyes. But that smile… I pray I can inspire countless times that that smile brightens your face and everyone around you for the rest of our days.